I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
