How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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