If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
