Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
