i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
