on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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