Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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