help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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