Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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