Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
