Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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