Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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