he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
