she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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