last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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