every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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