How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
