Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
