How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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