Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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