i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
