I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
