I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
