woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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