It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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