I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize