it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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