watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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