I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
