***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
