the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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