As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
