I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
