just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize