if only i could text you this smell
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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