I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
