I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
