To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
