Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
