A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
