I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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