Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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