I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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