bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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