Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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