Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
