this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
