I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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