fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
