Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
