we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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