Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He shit in the fireplace
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