what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize