I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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