Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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