Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize