I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
