you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
