Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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