im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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