a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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