god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
