I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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