pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize